This blog is good because it allows me to look back at how I felt.
To look back and remind myself how difficult it was for me.
To remind me to be harder, more resilient.
These are the things I don’t text them. Things I tell them. Things I don’t Snapchat them.
The things I don’t omit.
I’m not sure how much it works but it helps.
I’ve seen S for three days in a row now.
Still scared of any labels.
When he was on his message feed I saw a conversation with a man named ‘Jordan’.
There was a menacing ‘🍆’ emoji next to the contacts name.
Yesterday D replied to my selfie saying ‘I recognise that lip bite’.
I replied with ‘Could be possible’.
D wants to have me in my bed again.
M messaged me today asking to go for that long awaited coffee.
The conversation ended when I pretended I didn’t have his number saved.
I have no interest in either of them but I don’t want to say.
Trying to be nice and not hurt people becomes a Catch 22. You can hurt them more if you don’t let them know.
That being said, it’s just social media.
I can’t accept responsibility for my binary codes and the allure of my profiles.
I said was waiting for S to surprise me and he did.
I was unravelling and S appeared at my bedroom window to check that I was okay.
Is this reality or a romcom?
Why do I still not trust S?
It’s happening again, I can feel myself falling, the muscles in my shoulders feel tighter.
I’ll try to meditate to stop myself from messaging S.
I do not trust S, but S is so different from all of the other letters.
I posted a picture on Snapchat today.
A responded telling me he wants me.
I don’t know what to say so I just reply with a question mark.
This annoys A and he calls me ‘mate’.
‘Mate’ is good enough for me, I’ve stopped caring.
Erm, I’m not quite sure how to take B’s response to my opening line here.
He is either being intentionally rude or has some kind of problem with social interaction.
B doesn’t seem to care about how I’m doing.
At least he thanked me.
Oh haha indeed.